I’ve already been able to establish for myself that sticks and stones can break my bones & that words can hurt even more. What I did not realize at that time, however, was the reality of how my own words and actions can exceed even the pain others’ words and deeds have inflicted upon me.

Today, I fucked up… I did something to a friend at school that I shouldn’t have done. I will spare the details, for his sake (well…really, for mine), but, suffice to say, I did something I shouldn’t have done, said something I shouldn’t have said, and these words and actions culminated in hurt and frustration.

I think this sort of pain, the pain of hurting someone you care about, is worse than the pain of being hurt. Maybe I am just saying that right now because of my current situation, but this pain is just more… more intricate… and more tangible.  I can take care of myself, can fix whatever others did to me… I can go to the hospital and get gravel extracted from my eye, can develop good coping mechanisms like calling a friend and laughing, can see a therapist. The hurt remains but it is fixable, to at least some degree.

When you have hurt someone else though… you can’t fix that. I cannot take back the words I said to this classmate, I can not erase time. I can not tell him to go get therapy or to call a friend or to laugh me off as a ridiculous person and a jerk. I am not in control of his happiness or lack thereof. Yet I am responsible for those words.

There is the famous Maya Angelou quote that says something along the lines of nobody can make us feel inferior but ourselves. True. But, the actions of others can certaintly serve as an impetus and a foundation for that point of inferiority.

So, I’m left to live with that, whatever that is. Shame is not a fun feeling… in fact, it fucking sucks.

The Council of Chalcedon says that Jesus is fully Christ and fully human, and from that idea of full humanity we get the idea that Jesus experienced every human emotion. I wonder about this.

Shame and guilt seem to come from wronging another person. Jesus, most of us believe, was perfect… so by his nature he couldn’t wrong another being.

So, I sit alone in my faults and my fuck-ups.

Rabbi Hillel says “I walk, I fall down. I get up. And all the while I keep dancing.” I don’t feel like dancing right now. I don’t feel like I deserve to.

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