So, as I mentioned less than a few hours ago, today has been a long day. I also mentioned that I let my emotions get away from me… going from stressing about the day to finding more to stress about.

This slippery slope that my emotions go down is steep. I went begrudgingly to Bible Study, knowing it is not good for me to be alone when I’m having a bad day. At Bible Study right now, we are going through the book “Sex. God.” by Rob Bell. It seems like a decent book so far. I have liked what has been said on the breadth of sexuality and how sexual expression is indicative of connectedness.

What I have not liked, but does not surprise me in the slightest, is how hetero-normative the book is. The discussion of sexuality and sexual relationships refers explicitly to the male-female relationship. Again, this does not surprise me, and I know that Bell tends to lean to the traditionalist side. But, tonight…it just hurt.It was the icing on the cake of a crappy day.

What about me?

My mind, and maybe my heart, couldn’t handle the exclusion, so I shut down. I totally stopped paying attention and disengaged. To the point others noticed. I left immediately after the study ended…partly because I couldn’t handle it anymore, and also because I didn’t want to cry in front of everyone. I didn’t want to come off as extremely sensitive, not to mention I didn’t have it in me to rehash my stressful day.

But they realized something was wrong, I couldn’t disengage entirely. But, neither did I want to engage…because I was afraid of sliding down the slope. But I slided down another slope. I imagine a steep mountain, and one side is excessive emotion, and the other is stoicism, a complete lack of emotion. When I veer towards either side too much, I run the serious risk of falling down the mountain. And down the mountain I fell tonight, as I shut down completely. Oops.

Tomorrow is a new day.

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